Danielle, this was so vulnerable and honest and raw. Thank you for sharing. I know that took immense courage. And I agree with the statement made, that girls definitely have different stories than boys about college. I see so much of myself in your story because I too have stories like this. And I also have pieces I can’t remember, only this sense that something happened, and it’s the not remembering the whole thing that I think also stops many of us from sharing. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or leave wounds, as you said. And it doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it just because we can’t remember the details. It’s what the brain does to protect us in traumatic moments: shuts down memory and cuts us off. I think so many women have stories like this, and hearing others tell theirs opens that door to the light. Speaking is healing. I hope it becomes the thing that takes that door off its hinges.
Thank you for holding space for this story and for sharing that you have stories like this too. I think what's so hard is the narrative we so often hear around consent, how it's black or white. Society at large has empathy for a flawless victim, but has no problem blaming girls or women who were drinking or wearing tube tops or who didn't know how to say no. Many of us are those girls, those women and we carry these tender bruises around within us because we are afraid of the backlash if we speak them out loud. Of being told, we deserved, we had it coming because we were being reckless.
I don’t even think I can comprehend the trauma this caused you or how difficult it must be. And I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I live in a mostly Muslim society where nobody drinks and that statement about women having a different experience really hit me hard. I think the no alcohol policy has benefitted women more than any one else.
With my friends that do drink, I’ve never heard a man have a story like this, it’s ALWAYS the women. For the men it’s just a fun night out and for the women it’s life long trauma. We live in different worlds.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to write here. It was traumatic, far more than I realized at the time. Alcohol is such a complex topic. It can be fun and there are so many lovely wines and cocktails, but it's incredibly dangerous too. Everyone is impacted differently and when no one in the room is sober, it's difficult to know where the boundaries and lines are drawn. How many women have been left in the wake of what others considered "a fun night" wondering what happened?
I'm sorry this happened to you and you were forced to endure the trauma in silence. Many women have similar stories. I know I do. Because we endure them in silence, most of us never realize that we are not alone. Thank you for sharing your storing and breaking the silence.
Thank you Dawn. Even as I learned about other women with similar stories, it felt hard to share beyond whispers for a long time. I have had several former partners who responded unkindly, partly because many boys/men have been on the other side of experiences like these. Sometimes they didn’t care or participated knowingly and other times they were oblivious and could not sit with knowing they were part of a story that left so much harm in its wake.
It's such a complex situation. Historically women have borne the blame of something they had little control over. Shifting the focus does make those who might otherwise have been considered blameless uncomfortable. Still, the fact that they are experiencing discomfort gives me hope that they may at lease have the capacity to feel guilt.
Yes, so much growth is possible from our own discomfort and reckoning with the ways we've taken part in situations and systems that were harmful to others.
Just like you to your partner’s mother, hundreds of people just lifted their heads and said, “I have a story like that too.” You are so powerful. Like so much of your work, in this you pry open a door to let other women through. Thank you.
Danielle - thanks for sharing this intimate and vulnerable experience. It's not easy to disclose these tales, they are so raw and then there is the fear of how they will be received. I know I have a couple of these experiences that I have only told a couple of people. One story to no one! Fear of judgements, theirs and my own. And I have done so much inner work around this, I mean a lot! I am sure each women knows this fear. It's deeply ingrained in us. Thank you for opening the door. And I also understand why you left this space of commenting to paid subscribers. Thank you for that too!
Julie, I've done so much work around this too. It's not the only story I have, but it's the most painful. I always knew at some point I would need to write about it, not just in my journals, but in a way that shed light on an experience I found with time so many of us have lived through yet felt like we had to hide from others. I have found most of my healing cannot happen in isolation. It happens through writing and community and seeing that in the light of day, the shame we carry is a burden we do not deserve.
Danielle, I am sorry this happened to you. And thanks for sharing this, for being open about it. I have blacked out so many time from alcohol, then woken up with no idea whatsoever of what I had done the night before. It's scary, and everyone becomes vulnerable. When everything's blurry, there may be no clear villains. You are certainly right about that.
Thank you Rebecca, it’s a common story, more common than we let on because most of us have kept the stories and shame buried and festering within ourselves. Sharing this publicly has been more cathartic than I anticipated, but I didn’t rush it. I waited until I felt ready to share.
Danielle, this was so vulnerable and honest and raw. Thank you for sharing. I know that took immense courage. And I agree with the statement made, that girls definitely have different stories than boys about college. I see so much of myself in your story because I too have stories like this. And I also have pieces I can’t remember, only this sense that something happened, and it’s the not remembering the whole thing that I think also stops many of us from sharing. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or leave wounds, as you said. And it doesn’t mean we can’t talk about it just because we can’t remember the details. It’s what the brain does to protect us in traumatic moments: shuts down memory and cuts us off. I think so many women have stories like this, and hearing others tell theirs opens that door to the light. Speaking is healing. I hope it becomes the thing that takes that door off its hinges.
Thank you for holding space for this story and for sharing that you have stories like this too. I think what's so hard is the narrative we so often hear around consent, how it's black or white. Society at large has empathy for a flawless victim, but has no problem blaming girls or women who were drinking or wearing tube tops or who didn't know how to say no. Many of us are those girls, those women and we carry these tender bruises around within us because we are afraid of the backlash if we speak them out loud. Of being told, we deserved, we had it coming because we were being reckless.
I don’t even think I can comprehend the trauma this caused you or how difficult it must be. And I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I live in a mostly Muslim society where nobody drinks and that statement about women having a different experience really hit me hard. I think the no alcohol policy has benefitted women more than any one else.
With my friends that do drink, I’ve never heard a man have a story like this, it’s ALWAYS the women. For the men it’s just a fun night out and for the women it’s life long trauma. We live in different worlds.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to write here. It was traumatic, far more than I realized at the time. Alcohol is such a complex topic. It can be fun and there are so many lovely wines and cocktails, but it's incredibly dangerous too. Everyone is impacted differently and when no one in the room is sober, it's difficult to know where the boundaries and lines are drawn. How many women have been left in the wake of what others considered "a fun night" wondering what happened?
That thought is terrifying and heartbreaking.
It truly is ❤️🩹
I'm sorry this happened to you and you were forced to endure the trauma in silence. Many women have similar stories. I know I do. Because we endure them in silence, most of us never realize that we are not alone. Thank you for sharing your storing and breaking the silence.
Thank you Dawn. Even as I learned about other women with similar stories, it felt hard to share beyond whispers for a long time. I have had several former partners who responded unkindly, partly because many boys/men have been on the other side of experiences like these. Sometimes they didn’t care or participated knowingly and other times they were oblivious and could not sit with knowing they were part of a story that left so much harm in its wake.
It's such a complex situation. Historically women have borne the blame of something they had little control over. Shifting the focus does make those who might otherwise have been considered blameless uncomfortable. Still, the fact that they are experiencing discomfort gives me hope that they may at lease have the capacity to feel guilt.
Yes, so much growth is possible from our own discomfort and reckoning with the ways we've taken part in situations and systems that were harmful to others.
Just like you to your partner’s mother, hundreds of people just lifted their heads and said, “I have a story like that too.” You are so powerful. Like so much of your work, in this you pry open a door to let other women through. Thank you.
That’s what we do as writers. We open doors 💛
Danielle - thanks for sharing this intimate and vulnerable experience. It's not easy to disclose these tales, they are so raw and then there is the fear of how they will be received. I know I have a couple of these experiences that I have only told a couple of people. One story to no one! Fear of judgements, theirs and my own. And I have done so much inner work around this, I mean a lot! I am sure each women knows this fear. It's deeply ingrained in us. Thank you for opening the door. And I also understand why you left this space of commenting to paid subscribers. Thank you for that too!
Julie, I've done so much work around this too. It's not the only story I have, but it's the most painful. I always knew at some point I would need to write about it, not just in my journals, but in a way that shed light on an experience I found with time so many of us have lived through yet felt like we had to hide from others. I have found most of my healing cannot happen in isolation. It happens through writing and community and seeing that in the light of day, the shame we carry is a burden we do not deserve.
Danielle, I am sorry this happened to you. And thanks for sharing this, for being open about it. I have blacked out so many time from alcohol, then woken up with no idea whatsoever of what I had done the night before. It's scary, and everyone becomes vulnerable. When everything's blurry, there may be no clear villains. You are certainly right about that.
Thank you Rebecca, it’s a common story, more common than we let on because most of us have kept the stories and shame buried and festering within ourselves. Sharing this publicly has been more cathartic than I anticipated, but I didn’t rush it. I waited until I felt ready to share.
It is a good thing.
Thank you for sharing. It's hard to share our most secret, painful stories. I hope it brings you some peace having shared it.
Thank you Rachel, it absolutely did.