Is It Me Or Capitalism?

Portrait of a woman running on fumes

Portrait of the writer decompressing in the wild

Last weekend, I spent a few days in the Sierra Nevada Mountains hiking with my partner for his birthday. Fresh, pine-scented mountain air and time away from screens always improves my mental state, but I returned Sunday evening with a fever and intense body fatigue. I’ve worked hard over the last two years to be gentle with myself, to rest as much as I can when I feel run down while continuing to parent, perform well at work, cook, clean, walk the dog, and maintain some semblance of a social life. Still, I can’t help but feel frustrated with myself when I start to feel like I’m running on fumes.

No matter how hard I try, I feel like I’m perpetually behind on something. I spent most of my twenties and early thirties thinking if I just found the optimal method for productivity, all my problems would be solved. For those of you who have been here awhile, you know that it led to burnout and three months of eating disorder outpatient medical leave.

My outpatient therapy in many ways felt like de-conditioning. Instead of trying to figure out what was wrong with me, we talked in depth about how society is making so many of us sick. A hyper-individualistic, capitalist, misogynistic, racist, transphobic society is a difficult place to thrive. Most people are exhausted, and yet most of us feel like we don’t have the time to rest.

About five years ago, I worked for a French company based out of Lyon. My French colleagues had wildly different benefits than we did around sick time and vacation time. When they were sick, my Francophone speaking friends would take full weeks off work to rest and recover. My colleagues here in the US guzzled DayQuil and went to work. Those of us who were lucky worked from home.

The perpetual drive for productivity can lead to chronic stress. At this point, we’ve accepted stress into our daily lives, but we rarely discuss how detrimental the consequences can be.

According to the Mayo Clinic:

The long-term activation of the stress response system and too much exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all the body's processes. This puts you at higher risk of many health problems, including:

• Anxiety.

• Depression.

• Digestive problems.

• Headaches.

• Muscle tension and pain.

• Heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure and stroke.

• Sleep problems.

• Weight gain.

• Problems with memory and focus.

The article goes on to discuss finding healthier alternatives to manage and decrease stress, such as exercise, a nutritious diet, yoga, partaking in hobbies, nurturing healthy friendships, volunteering, and seeing a counselor. Most people I know engage in the majority of these activities, and yet, they remain stressed, exhausted, and overwhelmed by systemic problems no amount of yoga or meditation could possibly negate.

I don’t have additional solutions outside of entirely restructuring our society, but I do highly recommend spending time in nature (even if it’s just a local park or a small flower garden), leaning hard into community, and embracing potlucks and cluttered homes.

For now, I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote during my trip to California. I hope it’s something you come back to when you need a reminder that it’s not you, it’s capitalism (and the patriarchy).

Questions To Ask My Therapist

Is it me or capitalism? On a scale 
of one to ten, where would you rank 
my mental fortitude compared to 
other members of society? 
Will I need therapy forever? 
Am I boring? Do you think our 
civilization is crumbling? 
Is it me or the patriarchy? 
What’s considered a normal amount 
of crying? Is there an option 
to be a human without having 
to exist in a physical body? 
Why are so many people pretending 
to be happy? Do you ever wonder 
if society forces us into mental 
illness the same way zoo animals 
develop zoochosis in captivity? 
Isn’t it interesting how no other
species requires professional 
support to survive?
Why am I like this?

How are you faring this season? Have you found ways to balance everything on your plate without sacrificing your well-being? I look forward to hearing from you in the comments.

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