Thank you for sharing such a raw and courageous account of your journey. Your words echo in a way that resonates deeply with me. I recognize the sharp contrast between society's expectations and the intricate realities of navigating recovery. For years, I also relied on various numbing strategies—my version of 'pants' against the metaphorical cacti of feeling too much. The path to recovery is so much more than just a deconstruction of maladaptive habits; it's about learning how to coexist with sensitivity and finding that precarious balance of feeling without succumbing to overwhelming pain.
One note from my own journey: there was a time I struggled to understand how I would exist in a world that seemed to reward self-erasure, mistaking it for strength. It took years of unlearning to redefine what being resilient meant for me—learning that resilience is not just about endurance but about being present with one’s vulnerability. You beautifully articulated that duality. Your words remind me of how crucial it is to keep walking, even when it feels like I'm barefoot on those cacti trails, pausing when necessary, but never abandoning myself again.
With deep appreciation and a shared commitment to the struggle and growth,
Jay, what a thoughtful response to my essay. Thank you so much for taking the time to share about your own experience with recovery. I love what you said about learning "to coexist with sensitivity and finding that precarious balance of feeling without succumbing to overwhelming pain." For those of us who feel so deeply emotional pain can feel excruciating and unbearable. My biggest challenge has been learning to feel without being completely consumed by pain. I have to remind myself at times this is a lifelong journey. I can't undo decades of numbing in a year, but damn it's hard sometimes not to return to old habits. Writing, nature, and surrounding myself with other sensitive humans are all deeply connected to my ongoing healing and growth.
I truly resonate with what you shared about the ongoing process of learning to feel without being consumed by pain. I’m four years into this journey myself, trying to integrate 24 different traumas and over five decades of pain and sorrow. Alongside that, I’ve been navigating a somatoform whole-body pain condition since the early 1980s. But in the last four years, there have already been periods where I’ve experienced both physical and emotional relief.
As I’ve processed and integrated layers of trauma this summer, I’ve seen how emotional pain can resurface in my body through physical pain stored in my muscles and fascia. While I’ve made peace with the emotions, the physical pain has taken longer to dissolve. I’m holding onto hope and patience as this unfolds, trusting in those pain-free moments that offer glimpses of healing.
Sending you support and understanding as we navigate this path. 💛
Such a beautiful and revealing essay, Danielle, and thank you. I'm in a particularly weird space right now, struggling a bit with my feelings and my eating disordered behaviors. Through my recovery work, I've been able to find tools and a certain amount of freedom from my ED, but I feel like I may need to take a break from the program I'm currently in. Through it, I've learned so much about myself, about my negative core beliefs and how to love myself more than I ever had previously. What I've uncovered is that the root of all of my maladaptive coping mechanisms is from childhood and continued trauma. Because I'm doing a 12 Step program and I believe in their efficacy, I think that the next right thing for me might be to pursue a program that addresses adult children of dysfunctional parents. That's where my ED came from. It feels more specific to my issues. I've always been hypersensitive to life situations and people, but didn't know what to do with my feelings of helplessness other than to bury discomfort with food and other distractions.
I'm probably going to head over to ACA...Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. CoDA is great, too, but I think ACA might be more appropriate for me. Thanks, Ann!
Thank you so much for your kind words Nan. I think you bring up such an important point when it comes to ED and any other form of addiction. There are so many elements tied up in maladaptive coping, and childhood trauma or trauma of any kind is often at the root. I have my fair share of that too. I haven't found a way to write much about it yet, and I'm not sure it's ever something I'll write about in any kind of public way, but I know writing it, even for myself will be deeply cathartic.
Thanks Serena! We did DBT in our outpatient treatment. It was immensely helpful! Even with those strategies, I still find being human to be immensely challenging at times.
Great post! I am too very sensitive and feel deeply. You are so right about self care and not watching too much news or scrolling social media. Right now with another hurricane brewing in the Golf, I feel hurricane PTSD coming on and the hysterical newsfeed and people stressing about it doesn’t help someone like me. It’s rough. Also working in a hospital with everyone buzzing about it all around me, it’s hard to get a break from it. But it helps to know that I’m not alone. ❤️
You absolutely are not alone, and PTSD is brutal. I did EMDR for some of my PTSD a few years ago. It helped tremendously, but there are still things I am triggered by.
I restarted food therapy for binge eating disorder about three months ago. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. And I have realized the last few days I that I have to roll with this, cohabitate with this. It will not go away, it will not evaporate. I must live alongside it as I have lived alongside my bipolar these many years.
It is so hard. Food isn't something we can avoid or abstain from entirely. For any of us who have relied on it to numb or escape, we have to find a way of fueling our bodies without restricting, bingeing, purging, etc. Those who have experienced understand and those who haven't ever struggled with food don't understand why it isn't easier.
I so appreciate you bringing in the social context in which all our, and our parents’, and theirs, etc., dysfunctions are seeded, nurtured and grown. I often wonder how and when society/the culture will wake up enough to make some meaningful change to these so very dysfunctional dynamics. Surely, more talking about it is necessary. As a lifelong learner of how to gratifyingly experience life as a highly sensitive, spiritual, neurodivergent and long-time emerging complex and regular trauma thriver (😏), I’m very glad to have come across your post/substack. Because I won’t be gratified by (so-called) civilization dying out (and possibly taking all of our brutal and beautiful environment and all its inhabitants with us). I look forward to more of your writing here. Thanks, Danielle.
Re: 12 step programs mentioned above, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) does use the 12 step structure, though it goes a bit deeper than most other 12 step programs. For example, it looks at how we use relationships with others to dysfunctionally manage our feelings. I’ve also recently starting working with OA, Overeaters Anonymous, which helps with managing how we do the same through various EDs etc. (I’ve just recently accepted that I’m an almost lifelong binger.) Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) addresses the root causes of the various compulsive behaviors managed by the other 12 step programs, including OA and CoDA. Some call ACA recovery grad school, which I find a fair enough analogy. Maybe ACA is the PhD level, CoDA a Masters? If you look into ACA, also look at their Loving Parent Guidebook meetings. I think you’ll find some especially resonant work there.
Thank you Bethana, I'm so glad you found your way here. I so appreciate you breaking down the different 12-step programs for those of us who don't have as much experience with them. I was briefly in OA before I entered intensive eating disorder treatment. I found some truly lovely people, but ultimately for my eating disorder I needed something much more intensive. I remember hearing about some of the above mentioned programs and being interested as the child of an alcoholic.
The most effective tool I have is sharing my recovery with others which gets me out of my suffering and empowers me in that helping others. The necessary attitude is that I share my experience strength and hope and I carry the message not the person with the disorder.
I’ve found sharing my story through writing and poetry to be profoundly empowering and helpful. Not only do I process my own experience by writing about it, I connect with others and realize I’m not alone in my experience 💛
Thank you for this. I am in recovery myself (mainly from alcohol but I still struggle with disordered eating). What the work has revealed to me is how tender and achy my nervous system is and how I let it idle for decades with little awareness of what it truly needed. I have to be very conscious of what I “let in”.
My daughter is 11 and she is super sensitive, too. It can feel threatening, at times, because she emotes all the things I stuffed down. We are doing this work together. 💕
From conversations I’ve had with people, my understanding is this kind of tenderness transcends many forms of disorder and addiction. It’s so challenging to be self-aware and to learn to be vigilant about what we “let in,” but I’m the same way. If I’m not conscientious, I’ll suddenly find myself completely overwhelmed without knowing why.
May our children learn to advocate for and understand their sensitive needs at a younger age than we did 💛
Yes, the overwhelm and not being about to verbally explain why it is here. I so get that; I have been there (still go there frequently). It's been a kind of beautiful (and messy) process of witnessing my daughter speak up about what she feels/needs in a way I never could, and it is showing me that I still can. Thanks for these reminders, Danielle.
Hey Danielle,
Thank you for sharing such a raw and courageous account of your journey. Your words echo in a way that resonates deeply with me. I recognize the sharp contrast between society's expectations and the intricate realities of navigating recovery. For years, I also relied on various numbing strategies—my version of 'pants' against the metaphorical cacti of feeling too much. The path to recovery is so much more than just a deconstruction of maladaptive habits; it's about learning how to coexist with sensitivity and finding that precarious balance of feeling without succumbing to overwhelming pain.
One note from my own journey: there was a time I struggled to understand how I would exist in a world that seemed to reward self-erasure, mistaking it for strength. It took years of unlearning to redefine what being resilient meant for me—learning that resilience is not just about endurance but about being present with one’s vulnerability. You beautifully articulated that duality. Your words remind me of how crucial it is to keep walking, even when it feels like I'm barefoot on those cacti trails, pausing when necessary, but never abandoning myself again.
With deep appreciation and a shared commitment to the struggle and growth,
Jay
Jay, what a thoughtful response to my essay. Thank you so much for taking the time to share about your own experience with recovery. I love what you said about learning "to coexist with sensitivity and finding that precarious balance of feeling without succumbing to overwhelming pain." For those of us who feel so deeply emotional pain can feel excruciating and unbearable. My biggest challenge has been learning to feel without being completely consumed by pain. I have to remind myself at times this is a lifelong journey. I can't undo decades of numbing in a year, but damn it's hard sometimes not to return to old habits. Writing, nature, and surrounding myself with other sensitive humans are all deeply connected to my ongoing healing and growth.
Hey Danielle,
I truly resonate with what you shared about the ongoing process of learning to feel without being consumed by pain. I’m four years into this journey myself, trying to integrate 24 different traumas and over five decades of pain and sorrow. Alongside that, I’ve been navigating a somatoform whole-body pain condition since the early 1980s. But in the last four years, there have already been periods where I’ve experienced both physical and emotional relief.
As I’ve processed and integrated layers of trauma this summer, I’ve seen how emotional pain can resurface in my body through physical pain stored in my muscles and fascia. While I’ve made peace with the emotions, the physical pain has taken longer to dissolve. I’m holding onto hope and patience as this unfolds, trusting in those pain-free moments that offer glimpses of healing.
Sending you support and understanding as we navigate this path. 💛
Warmly,
Jay
Oh same to you Jay, wishing you a path of continued healing and honored to have you here in this space <3
Such a beautiful and revealing essay, Danielle, and thank you. I'm in a particularly weird space right now, struggling a bit with my feelings and my eating disordered behaviors. Through my recovery work, I've been able to find tools and a certain amount of freedom from my ED, but I feel like I may need to take a break from the program I'm currently in. Through it, I've learned so much about myself, about my negative core beliefs and how to love myself more than I ever had previously. What I've uncovered is that the root of all of my maladaptive coping mechanisms is from childhood and continued trauma. Because I'm doing a 12 Step program and I believe in their efficacy, I think that the next right thing for me might be to pursue a program that addresses adult children of dysfunctional parents. That's where my ED came from. It feels more specific to my issues. I've always been hypersensitive to life situations and people, but didn't know what to do with my feelings of helplessness other than to bury discomfort with food and other distractions.
Codependency anonymous! It’s a great program. 😍
I've heard of it but don't know much about it. Is it similar to the other 12 step programs?
Yes. Same structure.
I'm probably going to head over to ACA...Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. CoDA is great, too, but I think ACA might be more appropriate for me. Thanks, Ann!
Thank you so much for your kind words Nan. I think you bring up such an important point when it comes to ED and any other form of addiction. There are so many elements tied up in maladaptive coping, and childhood trauma or trauma of any kind is often at the root. I have my fair share of that too. I haven't found a way to write much about it yet, and I'm not sure it's ever something I'll write about in any kind of public way, but I know writing it, even for myself will be deeply cathartic.
DBT helped me immensely! Have you looked into that? ♥️ Sending hugs!
Thanks Serena! We did DBT in our outpatient treatment. It was immensely helpful! Even with those strategies, I still find being human to be immensely challenging at times.
Yes, healing isn't linear 😩
It’s annoying how true that is 😂
Codependency anonymous works more on childhood trauma and growing up with dysfunctional families-- you meet in groups and totally free! ☺️
That sounds like a really great, safe space to process with others 💛
Great post! I am too very sensitive and feel deeply. You are so right about self care and not watching too much news or scrolling social media. Right now with another hurricane brewing in the Golf, I feel hurricane PTSD coming on and the hysterical newsfeed and people stressing about it doesn’t help someone like me. It’s rough. Also working in a hospital with everyone buzzing about it all around me, it’s hard to get a break from it. But it helps to know that I’m not alone. ❤️
You absolutely are not alone, and PTSD is brutal. I did EMDR for some of my PTSD a few years ago. It helped tremendously, but there are still things I am triggered by.
I restarted food therapy for binge eating disorder about three months ago. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. And I have realized the last few days I that I have to roll with this, cohabitate with this. It will not go away, it will not evaporate. I must live alongside it as I have lived alongside my bipolar these many years.
It is so hard. Food isn't something we can avoid or abstain from entirely. For any of us who have relied on it to numb or escape, we have to find a way of fueling our bodies without restricting, bingeing, purging, etc. Those who have experienced understand and those who haven't ever struggled with food don't understand why it isn't easier.
I so appreciate you bringing in the social context in which all our, and our parents’, and theirs, etc., dysfunctions are seeded, nurtured and grown. I often wonder how and when society/the culture will wake up enough to make some meaningful change to these so very dysfunctional dynamics. Surely, more talking about it is necessary. As a lifelong learner of how to gratifyingly experience life as a highly sensitive, spiritual, neurodivergent and long-time emerging complex and regular trauma thriver (😏), I’m very glad to have come across your post/substack. Because I won’t be gratified by (so-called) civilization dying out (and possibly taking all of our brutal and beautiful environment and all its inhabitants with us). I look forward to more of your writing here. Thanks, Danielle.
Re: 12 step programs mentioned above, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) does use the 12 step structure, though it goes a bit deeper than most other 12 step programs. For example, it looks at how we use relationships with others to dysfunctionally manage our feelings. I’ve also recently starting working with OA, Overeaters Anonymous, which helps with managing how we do the same through various EDs etc. (I’ve just recently accepted that I’m an almost lifelong binger.) Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) addresses the root causes of the various compulsive behaviors managed by the other 12 step programs, including OA and CoDA. Some call ACA recovery grad school, which I find a fair enough analogy. Maybe ACA is the PhD level, CoDA a Masters? If you look into ACA, also look at their Loving Parent Guidebook meetings. I think you’ll find some especially resonant work there.
Thank you Bethana, I'm so glad you found your way here. I so appreciate you breaking down the different 12-step programs for those of us who don't have as much experience with them. I was briefly in OA before I entered intensive eating disorder treatment. I found some truly lovely people, but ultimately for my eating disorder I needed something much more intensive. I remember hearing about some of the above mentioned programs and being interested as the child of an alcoholic.
Best wishes on your recovery journey, Danielle. See you around, so to speak.
The most effective tool I have is sharing my recovery with others which gets me out of my suffering and empowers me in that helping others. The necessary attitude is that I share my experience strength and hope and I carry the message not the person with the disorder.
I’ve found sharing my story through writing and poetry to be profoundly empowering and helpful. Not only do I process my own experience by writing about it, I connect with others and realize I’m not alone in my experience 💛
Love it! Writing is essential for me too. Major tool. Thanks for reminding me! It’s so helpful to use my voice on the page!
Thank you for this. I am in recovery myself (mainly from alcohol but I still struggle with disordered eating). What the work has revealed to me is how tender and achy my nervous system is and how I let it idle for decades with little awareness of what it truly needed. I have to be very conscious of what I “let in”.
My daughter is 11 and she is super sensitive, too. It can feel threatening, at times, because she emotes all the things I stuffed down. We are doing this work together. 💕
Thanks for your words, Danielle.
From conversations I’ve had with people, my understanding is this kind of tenderness transcends many forms of disorder and addiction. It’s so challenging to be self-aware and to learn to be vigilant about what we “let in,” but I’m the same way. If I’m not conscientious, I’ll suddenly find myself completely overwhelmed without knowing why.
May our children learn to advocate for and understand their sensitive needs at a younger age than we did 💛
Yes, the overwhelm and not being about to verbally explain why it is here. I so get that; I have been there (still go there frequently). It's been a kind of beautiful (and messy) process of witnessing my daughter speak up about what she feels/needs in a way I never could, and it is showing me that I still can. Thanks for these reminders, Danielle.