In Defense of Ripening
On learning to embrace a changing body
This isn’t the essay I wanted to write this week. I originally had another piece planned, but I unexpectedly experienced some of the most intense body dysmorphia and discomfort since beginning recovery over a year ago. This time of year can feel particularly tender for so many of us, so I decided to share it in case it helps you feel less alone.
I just returned from a delicious, nine-day trip through some of my favorite cities in France. We walked over eighty miles and ate our weight in pastries and chocolate. From my social media pictures, you might think the entire trip was perfection, but it wasn’t.
In Annecy, we were soaked by a wintry mountain storm that made it challenging to fully enjoy the sights. Three days in, my partner caught a cold and my immune system only lasted a couple days longer before succumbing to coughing fits and sinus headaches. Despite all this, we travel well together and had a mostly lovely time except for several moments of intense body dysmorphia and discomfort.
Traveling can be physically challenging for many. Changes in diet, sitting for extended periods of time in cars or planes, sleep disruption, and pressure changes if you do fly all impact digestion and can lead to feeling bloated and uncomfortable. For me, a woman who has struggled with body dysmorphia since she was twelve and experiences sensory discomfort when clothes feel at all too tight, it can feel painfully overwhelming.
The years I depended on my eating disorder to escape discomfort when traveling, I would walk obsessively (one time I walked 23 miles in a day through Lyon) or engage in more self-harming eating disorder behaviors that only made me feel worse. This time, when I found myself sobbing in the bathroom after seeing my body in the mirror post-shower, I did the opposite of what I would have done in the past.
Instead of internalizing my discomfort, I went and cried in my partner’s arms. I let him hold me, and he listened while I shared how uncomfortable I felt in my body. We’ve talked a lot about what’s helpful and isn’t when I feel this way, so he reminded me we’d walked almost ten miles that day, my body is strong and needed fuel to sustain my energy for the rest of our trip.
Then, most importantly, we went to dinner, and I ate without depriving myself of anything. I indulged in French onion soup topped with buttery, crisp croutons drenched in Gruyère, steak tartare and fries with mayonnaise, chocolate mousse cake and baked Alaska. It was rich and divine. I was able to enjoy every bite because I opted to wear my most comfortable clothes rather than my most fashionable.
The next day, I decided the rest of the trip I would wear the loosest clothes I’d brought, even if that meant rewearing the same things. I opted not to wear a bra most of the time because the restriction around my ribs became suffocating as the day wore on.
At times, I found my mind wandering to old eating disorder thoughts—thoughts of deprivation and exercise to compensate for indulging in rich, delicious food during my trip. Each time I had to gently remind myself I do not have to punish myself for allowing myself pleasure. My body expanding and softening as I age and continue to recover from years of disordered eating doesn’t need to be penalized, and neither does yours.
I’ve written many poems around embracing shifting bodies as we age. I’m sharing a few below I hope will bring you comfort if you also find yourself struggling this holiday season or any season.
(Updates on book order giveaways and writing circles are at the end, so make sure to scroll to the bottom to see them.)
P.S. If you enjoyed this essay, please click on the heart at the bottom or top of this e-mail. It helps others discover The Understory and brightens my day!
In Defense of Ripening You do not have to love your body, how tender flesh softens beneath the touch of your lover’s palm. You may wish to remain a pristine peach, unripened rosy blush. Firm & sour, inedible but lovely from a distance. Unlike her aged sister, softened & honeyed by time, fearless beneath the hot summer sun, bees swarming her sticky syrup. Do you not also prefer to be devoured? Excuse Me, I’m Hungry I am still learning how to allow myself to be full. To satisfy my yearning for touch, my thirst for creativity, my lust for brioche. I used to drink three La Croix a day to give myself the illusion of satiety, to drown my hunger in carbonation. I was taught a desirable woman should not have an appetite. So for years I kept myself small, caged passion and longing, wore deprivation like a crown. But the cravings intensified, haunted my famished imagination until I could bear it no longer. Weak, but emboldened, I took my first bite, and I have yet to stop, so voracious am I for this life. Wild Give me platinum strands, milky threads of aging intertwined with the sediment of youth. Give me stretch marks along thighs, one gleaming stripe for each year this body survived winter. Give me scars and sun spots, proof of every season weathered. Give me laugh lines like the hyena, rooted canyons along eyes and mouth, impervious to wrinkle cream, so profound was my joy.
I am immensely grateful to everyone who has pre-ordered my first poetry collection, If Adam Picked The Apple. It will be released on March 8th—the International Day of the Woman. Buy a copy for yourself or a friend (or both). Buy a copy for anyone who you think may need empowering poetry as we head into 2025. You can read the full write-up from my publisher HERE.
Pre-order Giveaway Updates!
Congratulations to Elise Powers who is the November pre-order giveaway winner! She’ll be receiving a box of goodies filled with some of my favorite items from France. For December, anyone who pre-orders a copy of my poetry collection will be entered into a giveaway filled with all kinds of warm, cozy items to get you through winter—think candles, tea, poetry books, chocolate, etc. I’ll reach out to the winner December 31st for food allergies/sensitivities, so I can make sure it’s filled with items the winner can fully enjoy.
Monthly Writing Circle Updates
Our final writing circle of the year is next Monday, December 16th at 7 PM CST. We’ll be reading the work of Ocean Vuong who is one of my favorite contemporary poets.
Below are the poets we’ll be exploring the first six months of 2025 in our Poetry as Medicine writing circles. These 90-minute writing sessions are an opportunity to explore poetry and essays from writers all over the world and to use them as a jumping off point for our own self-exploration through writing. These are open to all tiers of paid subscribers. If you’re looking for laid-back community and a place to connect to yourself and others through writing and poetry in the new year, this space is for you.
7 PM CST on Tuesday, January 14th - Joy Harjo
10 AM CST on Sunday, February 16th - José Olivarez
7 PM CST on Wednesday, March 12th - Gabrielle Calvocoressi
7 PM CST on Thursday, April 17th - Alberto Ríos
7 PM CST on Tuesday, May 20th - Diane Seuss
10 AM CST on Sunday, June 22nd - Ilya Kaminsky
I can relate with the body dysmorphia, discomfort and eating disorder. And there is so much more I could say about that, but that would take volumes to fill. Suffice it to say, I relate. Loved the poems!
Oh I hear ya! I constantly have to remind myself...I deserve to live in my 73-year-old body and no matter what I do, it will never look like it did at 30. Enjoying life...so much more important.